I wish I had somebody to blame all of my problems on, like my wife does.
Everything’s bigger in Texas. That's why I do all my sexting there.
I've got an idea for a celebrity cereal line: Macklesmores, Justin Timberflakes, & Snoop Loops.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
I still water my dead plants every 3 months. Just in case...
Home is where the pants aren't.
Men have feelings too. For example, we feel hungry.
Me: Yes, 991? My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
911: Relax sir, is this her first child?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I want to ki██ you. (options may vary)
I remember when "selfies" were called "nobody else wants to take my picture."
If people in horror movies listened to me, they'd still be alive.
The search for Flight 370 was declared "the most difficult in human history".
Amelia Earhart could not be reached for comment.
They seriously need an express lane at the Bank for those of us who have less than $100 dollars in our checking account.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don't want to see a lot of it...
Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I've heard a few women mention that they love to get gifts from men that take their breath away...I'm thinking treadmill
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting.... You're welcome.