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Sarcasm is a body’s natural defense against stupid.
I hate when the Doctor asks awkward questions. "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.
I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really sure, but was too worried to ask.
Men, we failed we just can never understand the woman's logic, so give up trying, nod your head, and say thank you for still loving us anyway
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss
( • ) ( • ) You pervs! Those are nice owl eyes, huh?
Wifey says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
I want my casket to have a crank on it that plays the jack-in-box music.
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I'm actually really nice, until you annoy me.
I don't Judge People,.I just laugh at them.
Life would be perfect if some girls had mute buttons, guys had edit buttons, bad times had fast forward buttons, & good times had pause buttons. Live, laugh!
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions."
How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
The Fourth of July is an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think what I think I'm thinking we have a problem
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and other times I just let her sleep