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Dear Santa, before I try to explain...just how much do you already know?
I wonder if my dog always follows me into the bathroom when I have to go potty because I always follow him outside when he does and he just thinks that’s how it works
My town is so boring that when I googled things to do a car rental company came up first.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I see subway employees are still having their “how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich” contest.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Most teenagers pull their phones out of their pockets to check the time. We are reverting to the era of pocket watches.
I wonder what the world would be like if everyone was as happy as they pretended to be on social media
So am I the only one that has not been molested by Bill Cosby?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
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This year, I’m gonna put mistletoe on my ass and let everyone just figure it out.
It may be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Today was really bad, like having a prostate exam from a leper proctologist walking away with 9 fingers...
It's just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That's what the bill is for.
The holiday season is a time for family…but let’s try to enjoy it anyway.