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Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
The problem with reading a good book is that you want to finish the book but you don’t want to finish the book.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I'd say it's been a success.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
So I see that the former head of the CIA is defending an enhanced interrogation technique known as “rectal rehydration”. Should we really have a problem with this? After all, these are Enema Combatants we’re dealing with...
Got to work today, right at the crack of Dawn. Sure wish that lady would wear a belt.
Why do medications always have side effects like ‘anal leakage’ & ‘suicidal thoughts’? Why not ‘invisibility’ or ‘spontaneous orgasms’?
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I saw a cop car with a red nose and antlers pull over someone this morning...
Instead of giving you a ticket, Does this cop just put your name on the naughty list?
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I hate public speaking. People should just keep their mouths shut.
Women belong in the kitchen. Men belong in the kitchen. Everybody belongs in the kitchen. The kitchen has the food.
I've never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
I’m what you would call “indoorsy”