While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body, but men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the fuck happened to the roof?"
Say this out loud fast: ''U R 2 6 C I 1 2 4 Q.''
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
When someone says they have to ask you a question, you think of all the bad things you've done recently.
I can't take this long distance relationship anymore... Fridge, you're coming to my room
A baby just smiled at me and now I want... Nope, it's crying now. Nope.
I hate it when someone turns the lights on while I`m asleep and I`m all like (o__-)
Balloons are so weird. "Happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."
Me: ''Hola! Como estas? :)'' Spanish guy: *Speaks mad fast Spanish* Me: ''Dude, chill! Dora didn't teach me that yet!''
I'm actually not funny. I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.
When I say '' It's a long story'' It usually means I just dont want to tell you it.
(._.) ( l: ) ( .-. ) ( :l ) (._.) They see me rollin, they hatin
The best memories come from bad ideas.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
I don't have a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times. So far I've got 3 followers - but I think 2 of them are cops.
Have you ever noticed that it's impossible to make pinching your elbow hurt?
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU'RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.