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Why doesn't someone invent a clear toaster so you can see how toasted your toast is while it's toasting?
I don't know why I don't buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the crap out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
The only thing worse than the one that got away is the one that won't go away.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I've only got 40 pounds to go.
Dear Saturday, you and I have been friends for a long time. I wish you would come around more often. Once a week isn't enough.
Without coffee, I'm just a really tall 2 year old.
Dodgeball: America's twist on stoning
The rest of the country calls it a "crime ring". In New England, it's called a "huddle".
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren't there.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
I Hate when Im making milkshakes and boys come to my yard.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
If there isn't a Chinese millionaire that's changed their name to Cha Ching, then I don't see the point of money.
Oh you just put lotion on? You're not going anywhere. - Doorknob
They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his butt. The doctor described his condition as stable.