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Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
I think it would be fun to work in a restaurant on Valentine's Day. I'd hide fake diamond rings in all the girls' glasses and then just watch all the men's expressions.
Based on the living conditions, I think Sochi thought they were hosting The Hunger Games instead of The Olympics.
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
I'm so tired, but at least I got the dog on the bus and let the kids out to pee.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?
I like how the kids in E.T. keep pedaling the whole time they're on the flying bikes. Just in case.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah's witnesses of the internet.
First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.
I don't know what's longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can't have any more food and I'm never ready for that kind of commitment.
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
If prisons let prisoners take their own mugshots, would they be called cellfies?
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.