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New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 136,000 Boxes Florida: 128, 000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
Better days are coming. They're called Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.
Dear teacher, Can you please keep it down. I'm trying to sleep. Sincerely, the student in the back
drowning my computer in the toilet
You did WHAT with WHO for HOW many cookies??
don't you just love those songs where your mood totally changes and you just feel like dancing and jumping around!!!
Thanks Microwave, for heating the plate and not my food...
The roof is not my child, but I will raise it...
You know your a wimp when you can barley move the coffee table
What's the difference between kissing ass and brown nosing? Depth perception.
I bet Shaq never signs things “Love, Shaq” since the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...
I just hit a pothole so hard Siri developed a stutter.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
I'm not gay, but I know lots about not having sex with women.
I know all the vowels, here they are, a,e,i,o,u, but why y, WHY Y!!!
So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it's time to eat again.