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The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
My masseuse just read 'Cinderella' to me. That's the last time I ask for a happy ending...
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
Cops don't like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air then you wave them like you just don't care
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. So let's just agree now...
The first thing a man notices about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, he notices her breasts.
So what do women say when they're actually fine?
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren't there.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.
At what age do you stop sniffing your kid's crotch to see if they wet themselves? Because my mom is out of control with that...
People die every year in vending machine accidents. How are we still at the top of the food chain?
Who named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
You know that look women get when they want sex ? Me neither...
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask to be your default browser, you're brave enough to ask that girl out.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
If you’re going to hire a moving company, make them all play Tetris first and choose the one who gets the highest score.