You can get your favourite quotes as a cute picture for your timeline, just click one of the image icons under the facebook status that you like.
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You know that look women get when they want sex ? Me neither...
Who named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask to be your default browser, you're brave enough to ask that girl out.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
At what age do you stop sniffing your kid's crotch to see if they wet themselves? Because my mom is out of control with that...
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren't there.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. So let's just agree now...
People die every year in vending machine accidents. How are we still at the top of the food chain?
Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love. Sure, if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic.
The first thing a man notices about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, he notices her breasts.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments
I got arrested for growing weed in my back yard, but I was framed. The evidence was planted.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day and I was about to give it to him then I thought; he's just going to spend it on alcohol and drugs. Why should I give it to him? Then I realized that's what I'm gonna use it for. Who am I to judge this poor bastard?
If you’re going to hire a moving company, make them all play Tetris first and choose the one who gets the highest score.
So what do women say when they're actually fine?