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The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
This homeless guy asked me for money the other day and I was about to give it to him then I thought; he's just going to spend it on alcohol and drugs. Why should I give it to him? Then I realized that's what I'm gonna use it for. Who am I to judge this poor bastard?
People die every year in vending machine accidents. How are we still at the top of the food chain?
Periods are ridiculous. Females shouldn't be punished for not being pregnant.
For every photo a girl posts of herself, there are 27 others in the exact same pose that weren't quite good enough.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? Me neither...
Here's a list of things I like:
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
Hoe i will ✄ you
Reading that California now has the Powerball. I'm confused. Hasn't Lance Armstrong lived here for years?
OK, I'm not an advertising specialist but seriously McDonald's, what the hell were you thinking?!? Somebody asked me the other day if I'd tried a McDonald's McWrap. I said "Why would I eat something called McCrap?!?"
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments
So what do women say when they're actually fine?
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love. Sure, if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic.
I got arrested for growing weed in my back yard, but I was framed. The evidence was planted.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren't there.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.