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I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said "I can't complain."
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal pigeon.
Always make sure to tell your wife you are going to the hardware store before walking out the door saying "gonna go get some trim"...
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
dear homework,u r unatrattive,therefore,i cannot do u
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.
ցαժα τիε οηԼγ ηαmε ιz εηουցի
I've made a business of selling prayer mats on top of landmines. Prophets are going through the roof.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser
It's almost "It's not even Thanksgiving yet and they're already decorating for Christmas!" season.
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I'll kill you all.
I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Who wants to learn Roman numerals? I for one.