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When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
It only becomes a mistake if you regret it.
The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least, that's what the restraining order says.
Posting a status update before responding to someone's text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.
If I were a doctor, I would do volunteer work by standing outside of gas stations and writing prescriptions for antibiotics to people who walk out with sushi.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what's on tv, don't say dust
I want the equivalent of an e-cigarette for alcohol so I can do it at work. Get on that scientists!
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
Shit happens, i mean look at you.
Disney owns marvel. Marvel owns Thor. Thor is the son of a king. Thor is now female. Thor is now a Disney princess.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
Praise the lord
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don’t make a right! Tomorrow I’m going to try three.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What couple possibly go wrong with that?