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When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
Some people need more than a beauty sleep. They need a beauty hibernation.
I don't think I meet the height requirement to ride your emotional roller coaster.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner much the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
OK. Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I'm okay, but deep inside, I'm not okay...
I'm so happy that an elephant with bladder control problems couldnt piss on my parade!!!!
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
All I'm saying is you don't see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
Since they're loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
Every selfie posted should come stamped with a number like limited edition prints. "Attempt 14 of 25".
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.
I’ve finally worked up the courage to tell you how I feel. I feel hungry.
Why am I fooling myself? I know I'm too depressed, but I tried to lie to myself. What went wrong?