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I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
The lyrics to “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” are basically two people singing the opening scene to an episode of Law & Order: SVU
I drank so much vodka yesterday I woke up with a Russian accent
If you're wondering about my cooking skills, I've been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
Now that the Playstation 4 has been released, maybe now I can afford the first one.
Buddhists party hard 'cause YOL∞.
Life is a bitch, you only need to know how to fuck her and everything will be allright!
I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all!
A tiny part of me hopes the guy on the Clif Bar wrapper falls.
At this point, I'm fine that Prince Charming was a hoax. I'd much rather have the mythical forest creatures that clean houses be real.
MTV has canceled "Teen Mom." So at least MTV knows when to pull out...
I don't normally poop with the door open, but I don't want to miss the in flight movie
If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
I lost my mood ring today, not sure how I feel about it.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexicаns!"
I fall sleep easier naked. Why can’t the flight attendants understand this?