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Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I'm so happy that an elephant with bladder control problems couldnt piss on my parade!!!!
I’ve finally worked up the courage to tell you how I feel. I feel hungry.
I'm okay, but deep inside, I'm not okay...
OK. Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Center of a doughnut is 100% fat free.
Since they're loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Why do baby clothes have pockets?
Why am I fooling myself? I know I'm too depressed, but I tried to lie to myself. What went wrong?
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I'm making you up.
All I'm saying is you don't see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner much the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
I don't think I meet the height requirement to ride your emotional roller coaster.