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There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
I'll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb. Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Facebook game requests are like Herpes: They never go away no matter how much you want them to.
find out the one that i thought loved me doesnt
I'm going door to door to promote my new gym. It's called "Jehovah's Fitness".
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
I snorted a few lines of Centrum Silver and now I've got the urge to drive 25mph in the left lane with my right turn signal on all night.
They keep asking me when my birthday is at the pharmacy. I think they're going to get me something!
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won't be tempted to eat it later.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
I'm really tired after participating in the 5 centimeter charity run for ADHD.