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When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
Funny
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Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
Funny
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Some people need more than a beauty sleep. They need a beauty hibernation.
Funny
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I don't think I meet the height requirement to ride your emotional roller coaster.
Funny
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My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner much the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
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OK. Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Funny
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I'm okay, but deep inside, I'm not okay...
Sadness
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I'm so happy that an elephant with bladder control problems couldnt piss on my parade!!!!
Happy
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Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
Funny
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All I'm saying is you don't see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
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When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
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The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
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Since they're loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
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Every selfie posted should come stamped with a number like limited edition prints. "Attempt 14 of 25".
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When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
Funny
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Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.
Funny
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I’ve finally worked up the courage to tell you how I feel. I feel hungry.
Funny
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Why am I fooling myself? I know I'm too depressed, but I tried to lie to myself. What went wrong?
Sad
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